We all believe we know what love is. In reality, we don’t, and that is why the advice to stop loving someone is the worst one you can ever get.
Instead, you can use the uncomfortable opportunity of feeling hurt when someone is not loving you back to discover what love really is.
Does love really hurt?
When we feel we are not loved back we feel broken and lost. We love the other person but the other person doesn’t love us back. So we feel pain. We would like that pain to stop and we believe that the only reason for that pain is in us loving when the other one is not loving us back.
So when we experience our love feelings not being reciprocated we logically feel inclined to find a way to stop loving the other. We believe if we only stop loving the pain and hurt will go away. We associate a lack of love from our partner with pain.
This false link is so common and most of the time we don’t even notice it. Most of the songs out there are about love connected to hurt and pain. We sing how Love hurts.
Just listen to the lyrics of that song:
Love wounds and marks
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain…”
The world thinks it knows what love is. But when you take a close look, what the world thinks is love is just the opposite.
What the world thinks is love can be summed up in one single question.
What can I get out of it in return?
If I love you, I expect to get something. If you don’t give me what I want, I will not love you anymore. If you love me fully you will do anything for me, even if it is messing up your happiness in the process.
People need each other and think it is love. The concept of possession, of holding on to others desperately, is the opposite of the real meaning of love. The way most humans looks at love is not about sharing the love but about gaining personal satisfaction and fulfilling some need of the ego.
The ego mechanism is simple. If you do what I want I love you. If you don’t I hate you. It is as simple as that.
What is real love?
Let’s discriminate between two types of love here.
The first one is human love which is what we can call everyday “love” that we see in movies, TV shows and have most of the songs written about.
The other is divine or spiritual or real love.
Human love is selfish. Real love is unconditional and completely selfless.
Human love is trying to control the other one. Real love is fully accepting everything and everyone.
Almost all people mistake ego approval for real love.
Ego approval is not permanent and it is based on a lacking feeling. That is why we can never get enough of it and why we are constantly seeking it from the outside world.
We think that ego approval is real love because we were taught that from our early days.
The best definition of real love is a feeling of giving with no expectation of receiving anything in return. Real love is giving with no strings attached. The givingness that I am talking about here is not giving of things but instead, it is an attitude of giving freely.
Your attitude is that you want the other person to have what the other person wants.
So in reality, love can’t hurt you in any way shape, or form.
The rejection that you feel from not having your expectations met is where the pain is coming from.
Examine this in your life. Is the fact of you loving the other one that which is painful or is it the fact that you are not getting a “response” from the other person that is hurting you?
You can only be hurt when you are lacking or missing out on something. And if you believe that love only comes from outside, you will never be able to be happy, relaxed, and feeling safe in a relationship.
Even if you manage to get yourself involved in a beautiful relationship you will never be fully happy because you will be worried if it is going to end or if somehow you are going to lose it eventually.
Love is only inside of us. We and we alone decide when to feel loving and when to disapprove of something (or ourselves).
We are holding the keys and we have always been the master.
The question is when you recognize this illusion, what can you start doing about it?
What can I do to stop the pain?
- Realize that love is not the thing causing you pain, instead when you feel lacking, that is what is painful
- Discover where the source of love really is
- Let go of your lacking feelings and focus on real love instead
Seeking love from outside of ourselves is the biggest waste of our time because love has always been and always is INSIDE of us. We just need to experientially uncover this for ourselves.
The only one that can make you happy is you and the only one that can make you unhappy is you.
He learned where to find love. He learned how to apply love in his life.
If he could do it so can you. So can all of us.
I highly recommend you follow in his footsteps and discover the ultimate happiness and joy.
If money is tight I highly recommend you start your transformation by reading this book.
If on another hand you want fast and personal approach, check out my Executive Coaching / Private Sessions page.
Leave your comments and questions below, I would “love” to hear your thoughts on this subject and of course, I would be happy to explain and clarify anything that might confuse you in this post. 🙂
Images courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net